Why do intelligence agencies exist? What do they do? And what are the pros and cons of becoming a secret agent? We examine those questions, along with a non-uniform, non-random crosscut of techniques I happen to be interested in that spies use to preserve anonymity in the field and stories of some famous spies. Most of this talk will likely be irreverent and flippant, and probably not even funny unless you happen to share my sense of humour. Come anyways, because it should lead to (a) your wanting to save your friends from something like this (appeal to altruism) (b) your wanting to subject other people to the same pain you’ve just gone through (appeal to schadenfreude) and signing up for more UDLSes.