Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 13:56:14 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: The Aphrodisiac Known As Beer......

Hello again everyone. Yet another week, yet another rushed list. The qualities of my lists, luckily, do not seem to affect the

turnout to the bar. There was a strong showing last week and I do believe a good time was had by all. Congratulations again

Dr. Brodsky. This week, I hope that more people are able to make it out at 5pm (lets meet in the front of CICSR for the walk

over). I know many of your have a lot of work to do, but seriously: what are you going to do suppertime on a Friday before

reading week??

Originally I was going to write a list about the demo I presented this week*, but then realized that Valentine's Day is fast

approaching. For many of you in a relationship, this means couple time and expressing your love. For many of you not in a

relationship, this means bitterness. Wonderful blissful bitterness. Hence this week's list is for you guys. Valentine's Day is

for couples and Hallmark. My list should be for everyone else. So come out to Koerner's today and talk to people that love

you.**

* The take home message people received: David plays with blocks and putty for his thesis.

** Not that way. Don't get any ideas.

TOP TEN THINGS SINGLE PEOPLE CAN DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY WEEKEND!!

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10. Every place where you see the word Cupid, replace the 'C' with an

"st".

9. Paint candy heart messages on laxatives and call them "LaxAmore".

Hand them to friends that are too couple-y. Wait. Laugh.

8. Write a jingle for LaxAmore such as: "When the pill hits your

fanny like a muffin of bran-y - LaxAmore."

7. Learn to spell "congratulate" correctly rather than congradulate.

6. Get a picture of your buddy's mom. Put the picture over your face.

Follow him and his girlfriend around all night, and say things

"Edward McCormick. Make sure your eat your vegetables, and put on

a sweater before you catch the death a cold."

When they kiss, scream "What are you doing to my boy!!"

5. Avoid wasting your money on a $20 rose.

4. Get into a fist fight after a classmate describes your current

love life as "doing a Sprague"

3. Try returning an un-opened box of condoms for a refund. When the

cashier starts to explain how they don't give refund for small

things, start to cry and say,

"You have problems with small things too?"

2. Men: Wear a t-shirt that says: "You're right. I'm wrong." on the

front and "I love commitment" on the back.

See how many phone numbers you get by the end of the night.

1. Women: Wear a shirt that says "Please look here" across the

front. See how many phone numbers you get by the end of the

night.

0. Go up to a couple showing public displays of affection and say

"Geez man! Again? How many women can you seduce in a week!?!"

-1. Seduce a Koerner's employee. See if you can get a free burger.

b) When rejected by the Koerner's employee, cry until you get a free

burger.

c) When Koerner's employee is laughing at your tears, steal burger.

Run like hell.

-2. Women only: Wear something low cut and skimpy. When a guy comes

up to you, talk only in grunts. See how long it takes for him to

notice.

-3. Come to Koerner's. Bitch about your love life. Accomplish

nothing constructive. Repeat next week.

-- Snobby Beer Quote of the Week --

"Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels here that are ful a

gahwghwadh baizaybhe beer! FIVE DOLLARS!? Get outta here."

Homer's post card to Marge when visiting the Duff Brewery.

David "love interrupts thesis research" Sprague