Date: Fri, 3 Dec 2004 13:33:33 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: In the end, I only remember the beer....

Hello all. Your friends neighborhood beer czar again. Well it is the last day of classes for you first years and people taking

courses. For people just doing research it is better known as: Friday. If your experience is anything like mine was last year

you are a) freaked out b) stress out and c) worried that the police might eventually find the bodies. I mean you needed to

raise the GPA of the lab you teach SOMEHOW. Anyway, I probably should make this week's conversation short and sweet. Lets

celebrate the end of classes at 5pm today by going to Koerner's. We will meet inside CICSR (cause it is getting a bit chilly

out) and walk over from there.

Well to celebrate this week's monumental event (or at least it felt like that when I finished my classes) here is this week's

corresponding top ten list. I wrote it in terms of "you, he and she" because....well because I felt like it. I hope you enjoy

it (oh and I had yet another comment that was too rude for the list this week. I am actually editing. Good for me.):

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW A FIRST YEAR GRAD HAS GONE NUTS

------------------------------------------------

10. Every time he sees a white board he falls to the floor shaking and

wets himself. Intermittently you hear him mumble "Please

Wolfgang. Stop. No more math."

9. Meghan's 544 (HCI) project: The effects of a Fitt's law tapping

test on me stabbing Kelly Booth if I get a B+.

8. When a first year pulls you over to show you his wicked new

shortest path algorithm you notice that he wrote it on a napkin

using white-out. You also notice that the algorithm only works

for the graphs that form straight lines.

7. He attempts to solve the great mystery of "how much wood would a

woodchuck chuck..."

6. He uses a Bayesian network to figure out the probability that he

needs to shower.

5. From across your bullpen you hear:

"Why hello Jack. Yes it has been a while. Have you been

introduced to Morgan? I'm sure that you and the captain will get

along just fine in my stomach."

4. Every third word in your essay: Penoff.

3. You describe the concept of recursion to your undergrad students

by using a real world expression: "Go %$#* yourself."

2. You took that course on Markov Chains. Now THAT's nuts.

1. Jen Gluck rampages through the kitchen wielding an AI textbook

screaming "death to slackers!!"

0. He buys a candy bar, and begins shaking it screaming "Stop mocking

me!! Tell me the caramilk secret!!"

-1. When asked to fill in teacher evaluation forms, someone runs out

of the classroom screaming "but I didn't study!!"

-2. A first year tries to separate from his bullpen forming the

"Democratic Republic of Gao."

Also, I should note that last week's run over to Koerner's involved 2 of us... yes. That's right. Jocelyn and I were the only

people who did the walk over to Koerner's last week. Thus to commemorate, I present the following list (which is hopefully

funnier than the list you just read):

TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT ONLY TWO PEOPLE SHOWING UP TO KOERNER'S LAST WEEK!!

---------------------------------------------------------

10. Finally. A decent game of Rock Paper Scissors.

9. Since we only ordered individual pints I got to order a Guinness.

I found out that the tap is only there for show. It is actually

connected to a keg of Coors Light.

8. When gas is passed, it is pretty easy to determine the culprit.

7. No accidentally getting a glass of Moosehead.

6. Steve Wilson wasn't around to steal my milk money and give me my

weekly wedgie.

5. Only one person snubbed me that night.

4. Women didn't have to fight over who gets to talk to me last week.

3. It would have been easy to keep up with all the conversations at

the table if the music wasn't so loud.

2. It is much easier to get a table inside.

4 b) hehehehe. Ok. I am still laughing over that one

4 c) ......and now I am crying because of the irony.

1. We found out that the surliness of the Koerner's staff is directly

proportional to the size of your group. Last Friday, they sang us

love songs when they got our beer.

0. Finally, the male to female ratio was 1:1.

Snobby Beer Quote of the Week:

"I work until beer o'clock"

--Stephen King

David "I love teaching recursion" Sprague