One Day Ahead (of the Students)

("One Day Ahead (of the Students)" is set to the music of "One Jump Ahead" by Alan Menken and parodies the lyrics by Tim Rice. "One Jump Ahead" is from the Disney movie Aladdin. Alternate lyrics are by Steve Wolfman and Rachel Pottinger.)
[Prof:] Gotta keep
One day ahead of the students
One slide ahead, no more
Oh good!  Something that I've taught before!
Ten years ago.

[Prof:] One hair ahead of the goatees
One page ahead in the book
Spew out an hour1 more o' gobbledy-gook

[Students:] Comment! Question?  [Prof:] Hand-waved evasion
Let's not delve too deeply
[Students:] You don't have a thing to teach me
[Prof:] I can take a hint, gotta get some facts
Maybe I should ask Jeeves2, too.
[Students:] Who?

[Students:] I can't wait for course evaluations
He deserves a solid row of ones
How'd you get in higher education?
[Prof:] I gotta Ph.D., I taught a course or three
How much does it take to teach 101?

[Prof:] One quiz ahead of the quislings
One point ahead of the curve
Get by on sheer unmitigated nerve

[Prof:] Term One: teach quantum mechanics
Term Two: teach comparative lit
Sometimes I can't even spell this... stuff!

[Students:]  Heartless!  Hoser!  Mumbler!  Poser!
[Prof:] Now I'm spouting nonsense
[Students:] How'd you get in front of students?
[Prof:] I gotta Ph.D. [Students:] They teach you how to teach?
[Prof:] Actually they taught like me.
[Students:] Yeesh!

[Prof:] One line ahead of the front row
[Students:] (Hoser) 
[Prof:] Two lines ahead of the back
[Students:] (Mumbler)
[Prof:] Three days behind the keeners3
[Students:] (Comment)
[Prof:] I think they're getting meaner
[Students]: (Question)
Thank God!  The year is almost ended
Summer will be splendid
All I gotta do is bluff

Footnotes

  1. 50 minutes + 10 minute class break
  2. Reginald Jeeves, graduate TA for lo these many years
  3. "Keener" is a lovely Canadian term referring to the students who are sitting in the front row of your classroom right now doing hand-raising exercises while they wait for class to start.

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