Committee Work is for Chumps

("Committee Work is for Chumps" is set to the music of "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel and parodies his lyrics. Alternate lyrics are by Rachel Pottinger and Steve Wolfman with unintentional moral support from Naomi Opal Wolfman.)
Check out Naomi, don't volunteer!
Departments like these are divided in tiers:
The cannier members rely on their peers,
The losers can take their lumps.

So, they gave you recruiting, curriculum too.
Maybe they'll throw in merit review.
But think of the other things you could do,
The research you had to dump..

Committee work is for chumps.
That's what I said.
Committee work is for chumps.
Committee work is for chumps.

You might have heard I hang with th'emeritus crowd
We don't do much and we're never around
Final promotion from full comes down and
Your productivity jumps

So come on Naomi, step out of line!
Somebody junior can serve out your time.
An eager young mentee you can hide behind'll
Perfectly cover your rump

Cause committee work is for chumps
Whoa
[Naomi, spoken: But I can't quit; they're making me chair!
Singer: Making you chair?!  Oh, oh...]

You'll write a bullet-point agenda
Then waste hours of your life on minutes
You'll delegate brilliantly
To your subcommittees
But when report-backs finally come back
They'll be busts no matter how you spin it
That's your reward you see
When you assume responsibilities

And they say there's respect for those who will work
Some say it's better than being a jerk.
That's just a bonus to the duties I shirk:
The quiet of a social slump

When committee work's left to chumps
Whoa-oh-oh
I say committee work is for chumps
Committee work is for chumps

[instrumental bridge]

So your sainted head has told you that
without your help some project's finished
He said it's stay or go
That it's depending on if YOU say no
Oh oh oh

Check out, check out, check out
Naomi don't volunteer
You know departments are divided in tiers
Be cannier, rely on your peers
And leave the losers to take their lumps

Because committee work is for chumps!

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