Are you a human? Do you live on Earth? How’s the cow? WHAT?! If you can answer yes to one or more of those questions, there are certain pieces of information that you need to know in order to make your way through life. “I’ve managed to stay alive this long,” you might be thinking, “these tidbits can’t truly be all that vital.” WRONG! As a human who lives on Earth, I am qualified as an expert on the matter, and let me tell you that you are missing out on essential knowledge. Topics that might or might not be included are: poetry, martinis, The Backstreet Boys, cheese, migration, Miami Vice, electrical current, bombs, Lazy Town, otters, Tijuana, duck genitals, and survival in jail.