Date: Fri, 10 Dec 2004 12:13:24 -0800 (PST)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Subject: Making an ass of yourself, even without beer....

Hello all. Well, some people say that lightening doesn't strike twice, but your favorite current beer czar may be missing

Koerner's again this week. Our resident "would be Beer Czar in training if he looked more like a geek than a jock" Vance

Lockton will once again be leading your wonderful people over to Koerner's. I am expecting a fantastic turn out like the last

time he was substitute czar. So I would suggest meeting in CICSR at 5pm for the walk over to Koerner's. For those of you that

arrive in Koerner's at 5:00, please wait around for the walk over crew to get there (10-20 minutes) before concluding that no

one is showing up.

Also I should note that I will be TRYING to come to Koerner's tonight. With that in mind, when I do arrive at 7 or 8 I will be

suggesting a small excursion to my place at the end of the night for free (fairly crappy) beer. The beer I was making is

finally done.

So I am sure many of you are wondering what this week's list will be? Am I going to talk about Christmas shopping? The fact

that I have to bail on Koerner's for a second time? How Vance and I are different beer czars? BO problems in the department?

Nope. This list was written as part of my mental therapy. During a seminar this week I got nervous when I didn't have my

question fully thought out, wasn't articulate at all, and proceeded to ask one of the dumbest most incomprehensible questions of

my life.* The result? The presenter verbally bitch slapped me by saying "Well I would say that was a stupid assumption to

make." and left it at that. I now think the academic wedgie I received was justified but I thought the list I wrote soon

afterwards was appropriate just the same. I don't know if the term bitch slapped is offensive and will get me in trouble with

the department, hence we are back on the confidential list. Oh and someone tell me if #-4 is really offensive. I wasn't sure.

Enjoy:

*Actually, if by life you mean the past 2 years. There was a time where I consistently asked dumb questions. It was called

junior high school.

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE BEEN VERBALLY BITCH SLAPPED!!!

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10. At the next seminar, when you ask a question the speaker walks

over and urinates on you. Everyone agrees that you got off easy

this time.

9. You start picking up aluminum cans after the talk, just to start

getting practice for your new occupation.

8. Later that day your mom calls you and asks "Why did it feel like I

got slapped in the face this afternoon?"

7. Someone leans over and says "If you don't have a suicide pill you

can borrow mine."

6. After the talk, people come up to you to tell you about a drink

they spilled.

"So I spilled my coke all over....oh shit you're not the janitor."

5. You over hear someone say "Well that went over like Penoff and a

cardboard box."

4. Remember in high school when that bully pulled down your shorts in

the cafeteria?

......and accidentally pulled down your underwear as well?

....and you tried to run away but you fell over because the shorts

and underwear around your ankles tripped you up?

......and someone decided to open the fire door so the place got

really cold really fast, ruining your reputation for years?

.....you wish you were back there right now.

3. Five words: "Unexpected Disruption of Sphincter Control."

2. In a futile hope it will distract some people from what was just

said, you break your own femur.

1. You discover that the sound of 40 people saying "ooooooh"

automatically creates the sound of a barbershop harmony.

0. For weeks, people are comparing the quality of your question to

William Shatner's singing.

-1. For weeks, people are comparing the quality of your question to

Vance Lockton's singing.

-2. Your supervisor's original plan was to handcuff your arms to your

chair or break your collar bones so you can't raise your hand, but

bones heal and you may learn to pick handcuffs. He couldn't take

that chance.

Your supervisor instead has decided to amputate both your arms so

that you can't put up your hand or limb again. You are given a

chopstick to put in your mouth so you can continue to type on a

keyboard.

-3. After the comment, the audience begins changing

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!...."

-4. Your supervisor calls the "Make a Wish Foundation" for your

terminal research career.

-5. If a research career falls in a seminar and everyone is around to

hear it fall, does it make a noise? Yes it does......It sounds

like you weeping.

Snobby Beer Quote (it seemed appropriate this week)

-----------------

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."

- Homer

David "weepy no-arms shinky dinky" Sprague