Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:00:51 -0700 (PDT)

From: David Sprague <dsprague@cs.ubc.ca>

To: grads-conf@cs.ubc.ca

Hey everyone. Well, this week I may actually be able to stay at Koerner's for more than an hour, provided no one tells Barry

and Colin that I am socializing rather than doing work. So if they ask you, either avoid the topic or lie. Thank you.

Hehehehehe this is the perfect crime.

Hopefully this week will not have so many distracting bzzr gardens for all of you to head off to. Your cuddly loveable beer

czar will also be attending for more than an hour this week since I will not be singing and making an ass of myself on stage

this week* (I did a musical review as a fundraiser last week). There is also additional incentive to come out to Koerner's

tonight as several of our comrades in arms have completed their theses, defended, and are graduating. Yes new grads, it is

possible to graduate.... I can't guarantee I will, but some people can. If any of these graduating grads come out to the pub

for a traditional departure beer.....or two.....or three, you can wish them good luck and congratulations. So lets meet in

front of CICSR at 5pm today and make the always eventful walk** over to Koerner's together.

* Note: I only said STAGE, not chair or table in the bar.

** Once we saw a squirrel AND a homeless guy fishing cans out of the garbage during the walk over. How exciting is THAT!!

Well to comment on this week's exciting Incredible Instructors and Terrific TA awards, I would like to sincerely congratulate

all the people who won. You all did a fantastic job. I do have to mention, however, that although not everyone can win the

award we do have an incredible number of fantastic TAs in this department. This year, I suspect that we have continued this

trend of excellence. Although undergrad evaluations are important for helping us to learn, our final marks do not necessarily

reflect how well we performed. Therefore, for those of you that want to actively and directly affect your ability to win a

terrific TA award, follow the following instructions:

TOP TEN WAYS TO DISQUALIFY YOURSELF FROM A TERRIFIC TA AWARD!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

10. Show up to your lab dressed as Gandalf.

9. For every person that asks you what a syntax error is, pee on his/her keyboard.

8. On the first day of your tutorial mention how Joyce must hate you to have given you this gig. Vow sweet revenge.

7. For your tutorials, instead of chalk, use cheese in a can. Lick the board clean when you're done.

6. Ask your students if they can spare some change for coffee and a hot meal.

5. Accentuate all your statements by passing gas.

4. Describe recursion using sock puppets.

3. Introduce yourself as "Professor Von Poopypants"

2. Mark assignments in blood.

1. Mark assignments in undergrad blood.

0. Every comment you write on a mid-term simply and elegantly reads "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" If someone asks

you why, pretend you only speak Icelandic.

-1. Nickname everyone stinky.

-2. Continue trying to get high off the whiteboard markers.

-3. Tell the professor that you would have tried to get your PhD but you were afraid it would cause you to "ugly up" like

him.

-4. Be named Steve Gao.

-5. Insist on having your office hours on East Hastings between the crack dealer and the guy who thinks he's spiderman.

-6. Eat chalk.

And today's snobby beer quote:

"Work is the curse of the drinking class."

--Oscar Wilde

David "Going to mug Tristram for his t-shirt next time" Sprague

PS Just joking Steve. I'm sure you're an excellent TA.

PPS Not joking Tris. I want a free t-shirt. :)